(CONTENT WARNING: Satire)
Hubert T. Lacroix, President and CEO of CBC, announced a major change in the public broadcaster’s funding this morning to a packed crowd of CBC staff in the lobby of CBC’s Front Street head office.
“That evil Harper won’t have the CBC to kick around anymore,” Lacroix told the crowd, “because mes amis, we are free at last. Hallelujah, we are free at last! CBC has finally secured long term funding from Al Jazeera.”
Lacroix was joined at the podium by his opposite number at Al Jazeera America- CEO Ehab (Abe) Al Shihabi.
Apparently Hubert and Abe had been meeting in secret for several months in the basements of various Toronto mosques, disguising themselves as niqab-wearing ISIS brides-to-be.
Unfortunately, these secret meetings had come to the attention of CSIS, the CIA, Homeland Security, TMZ and online tabloid listicle site BuzzFeed.
As a result, such CBC execs as Lacroix, Heather Conway and VP for People and Culture Roola Zaarour were placed on America’s “no fly list”, their phones and computers were tapped and killer drones authorized by Obama were seen buzzing the CBC’s Front Street office.
Hence today’s premature announcement.
Al Jazeera America is owned by Doha-based Al Jazeera Network, which is in turn funded by the House of Thani, the ruling family of oil-rich Qatar. The House of Thani is like the Ewing family of Dallas but with more scheming polygamous wives.
Al Shihabi has pledged to replace $1 billion of Canadian taxpayers’ money with massive petro dollars from the House of Thani in roughly the same amount.
One CBC wag was heard to mutter, “Forget the BS, just show me the money, Thani!”
Abe also assured the assembled CBC employees, “No one would lose their job, provided that all you dirty infidels and non-believers convert to Islam, otherwise heads will roll. Just kidding. No, just watch me.”
On the editorial front, there was good news and bad news.
The good news, according to Abe, was that under its new ownership, CBC would continue to present its highly praised and highly biased anti-Israeli reporting across all of CBC’s platforms under the direction and leadership of Al Jazeera’s favorite self-hating Jews, Avi Lewis and his self-promoting spouse Naomi “I’m My Own Logo” Klein.
The bad news is that, unfortunately, music is out at the CBC. The embattled “q” and its new host shad are history, to be replaced by radical Muslim imam and Khadr family favorite Aly Hindy in his new morning drivetime program, “No More Lindy, with Hindy,” followed in the afternoon with Sook-Yin Lee’s revamped show, “Definitely No Opera Here.”
Speaking of Omar Khadr, he was named Al Jazeera’s Terrorist of the Year. Abe has high hopes for the hirsute hero and convicted killer, as the new Al Jazeera team is grooming Khadr to take over from the follically- challenged Peter Mansbridge.