(CONTENT WARNING: Mature language and satire) In a brilliant media coup, a newly formed consortium of Netflix, Cineplex and Ashley Madison, the notorious dating website for cheating spouses, has secured the exclusive rights to host and broadcast the fifth, last and probably most important federal election debate between Prime Minister Stephen Harper and NDP Opposition Leader Tom Mulcair.
Noel Biderman, the King of Infidelity and the driving force behind this counter-cultural consortium, affectionately dubbed “Woodstock”, held a news conference today at the Toronto Four Seasons, the site of the final and probably epic Harper/Mulcair debate.
Biderman was flanked by his partners Netflix co-founder and CEO Reed Hastings and Ellis Jacob, CEO of Cineplex.
Biderman proclaimed, “The old, fat consortium of CBC, Global, CTV and Radio-Canada is so 1999. Especially, the CBC. It is done. Finito. It is time to stick a fork in it.
“Welcome to the future, bitches.”
Biderman continued, “Millions of Canadians are voting with their feet, cutting their tv cables and joining Netflix. Millions of Canadians every day are experiencing the thrills of Cineplex films, in state of the art Cineplex theatres throughout Canada. And of course, millions of Canadians are having extra-marital flings or fantasizing about having such sexy hook-ups. And Ashley Madison has been there to help fulfill these dreams.
“The actual debate will take place here at the Four Seasons’ d/bar, the home and inspiration for countless trysts, casual encounters and nascent affairs. I will host the one-on-one, no holds barred debate between Prime Minister Harper and NDP leader Mulcair.
“This debate will be broadcast free of charge online through Netflix, in both official languages and in many other unofficial languages. And in all Cineplex theatres throughout the country, for those who do not have access to the internet.
“The consortium will also be working with such popular sites and apps as Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Tinder, Tumblr, Grindr, Vine, Vice, Uber, Spotify, many of which sound really cool, but I don’t know what the f**k they actually do.”
“We are confident that our consortium will broadcast to over 15 million potential Canadian voters!”
Kory Teneycke, spokesman for the federal Conservatives, stated, “When Noel first approached us, we were a little skeptical. But when he showed us the hard numbers of how many millions of male and female Canadians cheat on their spouses, same sex partners, common law spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, even their casual ‘friends with benefits,’ we were frankly blown away.
Apparently “stepping out on your man or woman” cuts across all income, racial, ethnic, religious, geographic and political lines, from Victoria, BC to Come by Chance, Newfoundland. (Pun intended)
It appears that adultery is as Canadian as hockey or a Tim Hortons “double double”.
Teneycke also added, “As you know, our official position is that times have changed, and all political parties must change with the times. And we did not believe that the traditional debate format proposed by the CBC-led consortium properly addressed the pressing issues affecting current hard working Canadians.”
“Our unofficial position, off the record, is that we believe that CBC (and to a lesser extent CTV, Global and Radio-Canada) is filled with left-leaning, anti-Harper, anti-Conservative, a-holes who willingly engage in self-flagellation at the mere mention of the Second Coming of Trudeau Jr.. So any time we can stick it to those Omar Khadr-loving lefties, is a bonus for us.”
NDP leader Tom Mulcair echoed these very same sentiments, when he stated, “We welcome the involvement and sponsorship of the fifth debate by the team of Netflix, Cineplex and of course, Ashley Madison.”
“I understand many NDP members are frequent and regular visitors to the Ashley Madison site, especially our Quebec wing. Consisting of former BQ members, whose loyalties, how do you say in English, are always fluid and suspect.”
“As you also know, the NDP party prides itself on being a ‘Big Tent.’ On being inclusive and expansive.
And attracting all kinds of rogues, reprobates and scum-sucking bottom feeders.”